Thinking at work
I wish I were another person. Someone who has life pretty figured out. Someone who is happy with their body. Someone who doesn’t have to worry about money ALL THE TIME. Someone with a sane mother and a father that actually loves them. Someone who’s brother isn’t an immature asshole. Someone who can go one day without having something go bad or turn out wrong. Someone who knows what it feels like to be in love and to be loved in return. Someone who has another person in their life to share it ALL with. Even the bad stuff. It seems I only have the bad stuff. I don’t understand why there are some people who get everything they want, all their hearts desires, and then there are people like me who get the short end of the stick. And what a shitty stick it is. I got maybe a quarter of the short end. There needs to be a phrase for when it’s worse than getting the short end of the stick. I want to change my life but there is only so much I can do myself. The universe needs to give me a little slack. I don’t believe in good or bad luck. I believe I have any luck. Luck, whether good or bad, was just not in my cards. What does that mean for me then? That I have to do everything on my own. That nothing will ever just come to me. That I have to go and get everything. Well there are some things that can not be gotten by ones self. What is the secret? The people out there that are happy must have some kind of trick, because this world is not a happy place. It’s not a warm and fuzzy, everyone is in love, all the world is at peace place. People out there hurt you. Sometimes very badly. So, why should I trust someone else with my life and its outcome? Why should I believe what someone says to me. I’ve lost my faith in people. I’ve been let down too many times. I’d rather feel nothing than to feel more pain than I am already feeling.
The Quakertown Food Bank
Yesterday I went to the food bank in my town and felt horrible about it. Granted I need food, I still felt bad about taking it from there. There has to be people worse off than I am. Probably not worse off mentally, but worse off financially. I actually felt shame yesterday. I can’t feed myself! I’m always worried about food for my dog, Gizmo, and cat, Pigpen. But never worried about myself. I would like to think not many people feel shameful on a regular basis, but I can’t remember the last time I felt shame.
haiku
I just decided today I am going to write little haiku from time to time.
my mom
So my mom was absolutely fine. Well, not absolutely. She need to have her gallbladder out because she has gallstones, but she doesn’t have an aneurysm. I wanted to strangle her doctor for putting her and I through all we went through. I drove like a maniac to get there from PA. I was doing 100 at some points. I was lucky I didn’t get pulled over. I had to leave work, which my boss wasn’t too thrilled about. But he’ll live. I don’t really enjoy the job anyway, but have to keep it until I find something else.
I’m actually looking for something in a hospital. My landlady , whom I’m close with, suggested I might get a job in a hospital in order to meet an intelligent man. She has disapproved of the blue-collar guys I’ve been dating. Not that I date a lot. But she says I am smarter and have more potential than I let on, and it reflects in the guys I settle for. She said I should not settle because I would be bored out of my mind. I thought it was hilarious, but she was kinda right. I guess I’ve just been settling because they are the only guys I seem to meet. So there in the hospital would take it’s role.
one of my favorite quotes
Never leave that till tomorrow, which you can do today. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can not undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t any more. Until we finally understand for ourselves what it all means. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying. - Benjamin Franklin
Just the beginning…
I’ve always wanted to start a blog, but my life has been so chaotic it has been hard to. Now that I am finally in a place of my own and some what stable financially, I have a little time to commit to a blog of my very own. God knows who’ll read it, but I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I’ll talk to my blog. I was just interrupted by my mom telling me she might have an abdominal aneurysm. Her doctor is sending her to the ER. I must drive to NJ right away.
